I read this blog post once (or saw it on Oprah, same thing, can't remember, whatever) that resonated within me about the 5 friends you really need. I can't remember exactly who/what they were, but I remember holding onto the detail that you only need a "handful" of friends - one for each finger. My thought? You can have 500 Facebook friends and a myriad of people you are friendly with, but these are the types of BFF friends that I think are the most important:
1. The old friend ... the one you are still friends with from your childhood. (You might not talk all the time but you know there is a good chance you will be roomies at the retirement home one day and you will laugh and laugh about the time she threw the cherry custard out of your sunroof at the car in front of you while you were driving 55 on a highway - it's called physics and we hadn't taken it yet. OBVIOUSLY.)
2. The friend that builds you up and has a positive attitude. (This is the friend you call when you need to be reminded that you don't suck, because even if you do suck, she isn't going to tell you.)
3. The friend who is brutally honest and says things like, "Girl, you really need to lose 10 pounds before you wear that bikini again." (Meh. Not my cup of tea. Might only need 4 friends. There is no irony in the fact that this friend is reserved for the third - or middle - finger.)
4. The neighborhood friends. (These friends can stack up on your finger because these are the friends who are going to have sugar or eggs or Sonic ice when you need it, and can come over for dinner with a bottle of wine in their pajamas because it's just right next door. These are the friends who are going to tell you they saw your kid with a sharp stick or driving too fast or whatever.... this is your village, so to speak.)
5. The Mom Friend(s). This is the one who you do life with as you raise your kids. This friend has been friends with you since your kid stole the unifix cubes in kindergarten, and is still friends with you when that same kid starts to drive a car.
When my oldest (now 15) was a baby, I made mommy friends through playgroups in the neighborhood and Gymboree. [sidenote: My husband fondly refers to Gymboree as GERMboree because .. well .. germs.] I remember deciding that I couldn't be friends with one mom because we took the babies to Olive Garden after class one day and she asked the waiter if the crayons were non toxic. They. Were. Crayons. CRAYONS! Designed for CHILDREN. [another sidenote: I was never the kind of mom that worried about germs. Or toxic crayons for that matter.]
When your kids are itty-bitty like that, all moms pretty much have the same goals for their kids. Share, don't bite, sit nicely in circle time, don't pick your nose, don't cry in Walmart and, for the love of God and all that is holy, don't poop in a restaurant without a changing table. We, as moms, are all on the same page. Then the inevitable happens and these sweet babies start to develop their own little personalities and we start to develop parenting styles that work for us and this, my mommy friends, is where it gets tricky.
It's easy to make mommy friends - it's just finding the ones you are most like. But keeping them as a forever friend is a different story. Not only do you have to have enough in mommon (™Tami because that's common for moms and I just made that up on the spot! Woot!), but you have to be able to either do it the same or agree to disagree.
I met my mom friend, Abbie, when Casey was going into kindergarten. We got set up on this kind of blind date at the neighborhood pool because her son and my son were going to be in the same class. Our oldest and youngest children (at the time because who knew Hallie would come back from Vegas with us in 5 years thanksalotvegasiguessnoteverythingthathappenstherestaysthereinsertdramaticeyeroll) were the same age. Because our oldest kids were 5, we were also totally against bad words like butt and fart and the hoodlums of the Disney channel. However, Abbie and I didn't (and still don't!) parent the same way, but what we ultimately figured out was that our end goal was the same and our styles synced up enough that we could manage each others kids.
Manage each other's kids? Yes. A good mommy friend understands when you call and tell them that your sweet child is on their doorstep and you will be back after an hour or two break and a bottle of chardonnay.
A good mommy friend remembers details about your kids that you forgot. Like the middle child's first word and the last time the youngest had strep. Or the time one puked in the middle of the Mexican restaurant and she had to clean it up for you because vomit grosses you out. Whatever. Details, shmetails.
A good mommy friend says "don't pick that battle" or "don't let them get away with that" and it doesn't hurt your feelings. It makes you think.
Choosing your mom friends can be a hard process. Ten years later, what I need in a mom friend is completely different than it was when Casey was starting kindergarten. Hallie is now my youngest of three with two older brothers who are a LOT older than her. Hallie made a new friend in her first grade class this year. I always cringe when I meet these "new friends" of hers because I am afraid they will not know exactly what Hallie means when she says things like, "Oh!Ma!Gawdddddd!.... did you see the outfit JLO had on last night? Totes adorbs!" or "When I get home I am going to watch teenagers do make up on YouTube for 4 straight hours!" Honestly, if your kid still says fanny or tushie or toot and Disney Channel is not something on your radar, we are just done here. K? K. But this new friend was awesome. When I asked her how cheer-off went [cheer competition between all the local rec squads], her reply was, "It totally sucked. We lost." As much as I don't really want Hallie saying something "sucked" when she is 6, at this very minute I knew this sweet child could be friends with my daughter, and I could, most likely, be friends with her mother. My reply? "How old are your brothers?" (13 and 9)
It's funny how your needs change in regards to your mom friends. If you are lucky enough, like me, for this to be the same mom friend for 10 years, you win. But it's OK if your mom friends change, too .... it's about doing life together with a little humor and a lot of reassurance that you are doing it ok.
Just make sure your hands are full of friends that fit YOUR needs. Is there a type of friend I forgot that you think is important?
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