The. Days. Are. Long. But. The. Years. Are. Short.
Remember this.
When Casey was born - 15 short years ago - he started screaming. It didn't stop for 4 and a 1/2 very, very long months. Convinced that it couldn't be colic -- because, duh, our child was not flawed like that -- we continually went to the pediatrician for help. Dr. Delisle was an awesome pediatrician with the patience of a saint for a crazy first time mom like me. She got me through those first few months. When Casey was 6 months old, we decided to make a move to Michigan for my husband's job. Dr. Delisle was one of the hardest people to leave. At our last visit with her, she said, "I am going to give you one piece of parenting advice. Pick your battles. And if you aren't sure which ones to pick, ask yourself 'will this matter when they are 16.'"
So here we are. On the brink of 16. Staring me in the face. One. Six. I reflect back on the last 16 years and the battles I have picked OR not picked. Have I made the right choices? I am almost positive that I have thought "will this matter" at least once a day since he turned 1. Which means I have had to decide, if a battle was worth picking, roughly 5000 times. And that number doesn't even reflect my 2 other kids - or poor math skills. #keepingitreal
Here is a perfect example of a battle I chose NOT to pick: When Parker was 2 1/2 we were at lunch and I opened his straw and put it in his cup. Like many toddlers with a different mood swing every 2 minutes, apparently this was not OK because he had wanted to do it himself and started throwing a fit right there in the middle of Macaroni Grill. I thought hmmm .... so if I give him the new straw, he sees that he won the battle of the fit throwing, but if I don't, he continues to whine and cry. Tough call. I was hungry. I gave him the new straw with this explanation: "This is not a battle I am going to pick with you because it does not matter, but listen to me very carefully. I am giving you another straw to do yourself because I did not know that you wanted to do it yourself. I sometimes forget that you are growing up. But the reason that Mommy did not know that you wanted to do it yourself was because you did not tell me. It is unacceptable to throw a fit in a restaurant, and if you do that again, especially over something as dumb as a straw, you will wait in the car - are we clear?" (Don't call child services - I'm not really going to put him in the car) ... This simple exchange of I didn't know and you didn't tell me and that will never happen again. I'd like to say it only worked with him because of his personality, but this approach has worked with all 3 and they have 3 very different personalities - and temperaments!
1. FOOD
When I was a kid, we ate what was placed in front of us until it was gone. I remember mastering the art of coughing food into a napkin, sliding the napkin up my sleeve, excusing myself to the bathroom, and flushing it away. Before that, when the table was in a different spot, I had an air vent behind my chair on the floor and I used to shove food in there. [sidenote: I still remember how mad my parents were when they pulled out the rotten caesar salad .. but honestly? What kid likes caesar salad?!] I can even remember sitting at the table once until close to midnight because I wouldn't eat a BLT. A BLT, friends!!
So when it came to my kids I decided to take a different approach. I am not a short order cook. I will cook one meal with variations for your tastebuds, but I will not cook an entire separate dinner for someone who doesn't like onions or red sauce. You don't like it? Make yourself something else to eat.
There are allegedly 4 food groups you are supposed to eat in 3 separate meals every day. OK. That means you need 3 pieces of fruit/vegetable a day, 3 proteins, 3 dairy, etc. In our family it does not have to be eaten in one sitting. As long as you get it in, whatevs. Not hungry for dinner? No problem. Eat when you are hungry ... just make good choices.
**exception to this rule** It is rare that we are all here at the same time for a family dinner. Three kids have two adults running in many different directions. So on the rare occasion that we are all here, we eat around a table and talk, and if you don't want to eat, fine, but you must sit with us.
Moral of food battle: Teach them to make good food choices and eat when they are hungry - good life skill to know at 16 and beyond. Forcing them to eat green beans when they are 5 will not matter when they are 16.
2. BED
Some kids need a lot of sleep, some don't. Some are brave, some are not. Some love their own bedrooms, some don't. Sometimes monsters really do live under your bed in the form of scary cats hiding from a dog or a leftover bag of goldfish you snuck up to your room.
The idea of co-sleeping always creeped me out. What crazy-ass family sleeps in one room? Freaks. (*slaps forehead*) How could I be so stupid?! You know who does this? PEOPLE WHO LIKE SLEEP! It started with Casey .... put him to bed, in he comes, we take him back, he comes in again, we make a bed on the floor, night night .... Then it started with Parker. They would sneak in so quietly that sometimes I would wake up in the morning and there was a kid in my bed or the floor OR BOTH! Someone once suggested we put a bell on our door so it would wake us up so we could take them back to bed. WHYYYYY? Wake ME up so I can put them back to bed and start over? Will they still be sleeping with us when they are 16? (Honestly? I actually wasn't sure back then ... I thought maybe.)
There was a point for like three months (fine. years.) where we had one or both of them in our room every night. Guess what happened when Casey turned into a pre-teen? Never saw him again. I rarely see Parker.
So with Hallie I was all like oh helllll no! We are going to train her to sleep in her room. Damn straight I was.
Hallie would cry around midnight from her crib. HB would get her. She would sleep with us. Endless cycle night after night. When she got her big girl bed at our old house, she did great for a spell. Then we did it. Ruined everything by moving into a house where the master bedroom is on a different floor. It's scary up there all alone! It started with her coming down every night. Then she wanted to fall asleep in our bed and we would carry her up. Then she'd come back an hour later. Now we just let her sleep with us. And sometimes we fall asleep holding hands and I love that so much. You know why? Because she won't do that with me when she is 16.
[Note: Hallie is really getting too big for our bed and I suggested to HB that we get a new chair for our room that pulls out into a twin. Hallie overheard and gasped! "I'm getting my own bed in our room?!" OUR room.]
Moral of bed battle: They won't sleep with you when they are 16. If it's not affecting your sex life or sleep habits, who cares? As long as momma sleeps, everyone is happy. Forcing them to lie awake scared in their bed will not form any life skill necessary at 16.
3. MANNERS & KINDNESS
"How do you think this would make _________'s heart feel?"
"Be the kind of friend ________ wants to play with tomorrow."
"Say thank you. Did you say please? Bless you!"
Do I think the guest always gets what they want? No. I think that's not true in real life either and sometimes you should get what you want and sometimes they should get what they want. It's called taking turns and sharing. Life skillz. If you instill this rule in your home, what happens when your child is at a friend's house? They are the ones saying, "I'm the guest! I get to do what I want!" That's not very nice, now is it? So instead I say, "[Your friend] is coming over to play today. Remember that they are our guest so we should make them feel comfortable here and want to come back so make good choices and be a good friend." If I hear a scuffle, I try and let them work it out themselves, but sometimes it's important to point out that someone is not being a nice friend. (And I only ever said that once to a kid that wasn't mine. Scouts honor!)
I did/do pick this battle constantly. CON. STANT. LY. The battle of being kind and having good manners. Although all 3 of my kids are very different, I do think they all have good manners (or I hear they do and you fools are all lying to me) and work hard at being good friends... I'm still working on Hallie's sharing/bossy skills. Girls are a whole 'nother ball game! (AND blog post!)
Moral of manners/kindness battle: Yes, it IS important to remind your kids to be a good friend, to think about how their actions affect others, and to use good manners. This will, in fact, matter much beyond 16.
4. CLEANING CRAP UP
In regards to kids cleaning up their own stuff, I lie somewhere nicely between OCD and psychotic. I think it just depends on the day. About once every 3 months I will lose. my. shit. and scream holy hell until everyone realizes what entitled, unhelpful brats they are. *slowy dusts off mom of the year trophy* The rest of the time, I ask for help or assign chores. Everyone rolls their eyes and does (pretty much) what they are told to do. Sometimes I want to do it all myself (because just once I would like it done right.)
I watch TV some and see commercials where moms with white houses are carrying baskets of laundry around and putting them away while their kids lie on their beds and listen to their iPhones. Nothing is a mess and mom is acting like a good mom. Or the ones where moms are cooking gourmet dinners and everyone is doing (gifted, obviously) homework or reading books curled up in white chairs with pretty blankets while she does this. (Am I making these up?) No one is scattering craft supplies across her great room or tracking mud in from outside or leaving their 6 week old plates from under their bed next to the sink. Not one wayward barbie is in the log basket and no baseball cups (the kind that protect your "grandchildren" ... ifyouknowwhatimean) are lying on the COUNTER where you prepare food. Anyhow, I sit here sometimes and think wait! Maybe making my kids put their laundry away is being a bad mom. Maybe, that IS my job! (omg. no. please.) There is a fine line between being a "good TV mom" type of mom and helping raise functioning people that will be adults in the real world one day.
So besides the one time every 3 months where I flip out, and the moments where my OCD flares up, there are about 2 1/2 months of regular life. Like I mentioned in this blog post two weeks ago, we don't give allowance. Because in the real world, nobody gets paid for merely existing. So you are just expected to do what is asked of you. If you go above and beyond, you get rewarded ... like if you want to go to dinner with friends, I might give you money because you washed the car. That sort of thing. I think this is a better example of how it works in the real world.... the more you work, the more money you get. Instilling work ethic is a huge part of being part of our family. Easier for some kids than others. In general I try and let their rooms be their rooms and let them live in them the way they want to in there, but not gonna lie ... that once every 3 month flip out is when we get to see the floor in Hallie's room and see what Parker's dresser looks like with the drawers shut.
Moral of the cleaning battle: It's important that they learn that the harder they work, the more they make, and sometimes being organized and neat is good so mom doesn't flip her shit on you.
*********************************
As I reflect back on the battles I have picked over the last 16 years, I do think I have done an OK job of picking the right ones as it appears he is turning out pretty good. The other 2 are well on their way to becoming functioning real people as well. It was never easy trying to decide if it really would ultimately matter when they were 16. Some days and situations were a lot harder than others, and you just hope and pray as a mom that you are making the right call.
A friend said to me last week "the days are long but the years are short." Gosh that is so freaking true! It feels like just yesterday I was at Dr. Delisle's office holding my 6 month old baby and saying goodbye, and now I wonder, 16 years later, if she realizes the profound impact those 7 words have had on my family and the kids I raised/am raising. The days may seem long, but, I promise, the years are so, so short. Pick your battles and pick them wisely.
Were you ever given parenting advice that you thought was great? I'd love to hear it!
No comments:
Post a Comment